"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it," Well, found it. :)

I've finally found you
I've finally found you
I've finally remembered the me I used to be
And all is good now
So long as I keep on
Keep on remembering
Keep on remembering

I have found you
I have found you
Elusive mystery
I have found you
You're mine all mine oh memory
Keep my trust where it should be

I'll never let go again
I'll never go back
Just keep holding on to what makes me who I am
I have found you
And I'm happy
So happy
So happy
Today

In the Midst of Black November: A clip from my latest what if...

“I’m not who I was back then, you know? And it scares me because,” She took a little gasp and blinked, looking up at the stars. “Because a part of me feels like I could be so much more, I’m just not sure how to start.”

“Why, starting off is the easiest step.” He replied, inching closer along the bench. “All you have to do is set out to make a difference, and then you will. And for all you know, you’ve already made a difference in someone’s life.”

She smiled shyly, hardly hearing that subtlety which crept into his voice. Her mind was still in the stars.

“I just wish there was something I could do; something that would help the world to be a better place all at once. There’s so much blackness, so much fear.” She shook her head, a chocolate colored curl springing playfully at her temple. “Everything in this place we call home seems at odds with itself. War, hunger, suffering, despair. Sometimes it all feels so big and hopeless that there doesn’t seem to be anything anyone could do, much less silly little me. But I can’t help wishing there was some action, some path, something I could do that would wipe out a bit of the darkness.” She sighed, turning back to him with a sad shrug. Captivated, he lost all subtly and replied,

“But you do just that, every time you smile.” 

On that Indigo Eve

Darcy Hampden Lemarr should not have been on that plane.

As it happens, I shouldn’t have been on that plane either. But I was. And so was she. And it was the best mistake in the history of confusing airports.

To begin with it was a fairly normal day for me, sitting there on a plane, waiting, waiting and waiting as people are apt to do while flying. I swished some orange juice around in a glass, not caring for the taste of it, but enjoying having something to swish, and then she sat down next to me, scowling.

I, being polite, offered the pretty young lady my window seat. She turned ghastly pale and shuddered.

“Oh no, no thanks please. I think I’d rather be as far away from a suffocating death as possible.”

On that cheery note, the flight attendant instructed us to fasten our seatbelts and prepare for takeoff. 

10.7.2013: About 600 Words Today

Well here we are

It’s happened now

I’ve become one of them with that pasted on smile

Save yourself

It’s too late for me

So run, run, run from misery

Fight until you die

Fight with your last breath

Find a cause and hold on

Until there’s nothing left

There’s nothing left in me

Magnet Poetry: 34

                 Light chocolate time

                     Whisper sweet

                      Together felt

                Delicate summer peach 

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                 Summer time together

                Chocolate worship may

                        Peach play

                     Most felt

                       Essential you

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Think may whisper like

                 Chocolate worship

                       Most like 

                    Together time

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reflection of Mine: 251

I can't help it if my world spins a different way
Everything I wish
Would wish myself away
That reflection never looks right
And mirrors don't lie
What can I do?
I'll do what I want to
And regret the rest of my life

Sing a song, sing a song
There's nothing in me worth hearing
Sing a song, sing a song
And never mind that no one's listening
I can't go on, can't go on
And nothing in me's waiting
Waiting for happily
Happily never after to come

I'm wide awake and the world won't stop staring
I'm helpless, I'll be heartless
To keep my heart from breaking
There's nothing out there in the world of maybe
Nothing left, nothing left
And I can't take it
So take it from me

Sing a song, sing a song
But what song will I sing, if I'm not singing?
Sing a song, sing a song
But the words are always hiding
I can't go on, can't go on
There's nothing left inside me
I'm just waiting for eternity
To find me....

So don't stare at me
Don't raise that brow
Because there isn't anything here to see
I can't wait to be free
Of all this now

Let me go, let me go
Let me run when I'm not finding
Let me go, let me go
And I'll never come back fighting
I'll escape, I'll escape
This world of never knowing
If only in this foolish heart

This foolish heart
Of mine

Post from Yesterday

Oh dear I almost didn't write! That was horrible!
Well tonight was lovely and beautiful and magical and just exactly what I needed! Surprises are the best, especially when they entail corn mazes and best friends and everything you couldn't believe you'd see that day. I'm not going to write much because I'm soooo tired.
Here's a poem just because.

If I had the ears to hear
And the eyes to see
And the voice to sing a thousand songs
I would still be deaf and blind and mute compared to the echos of your unending love
I could sing a tune of sunshine
And bask beneath the sweet surrender of peace
I'll fall into a deep sleep
And dream, dream, dream
I can go anywhere so long as your fire fills me
I can be anything, as long as I have You
I can feel your arms around me, even when the darkness seems too great
You are my everything
And everything
And everything

I'll always praise

10.4.2013: 352

Dalia’s eyes were green, her skin pale and her hair honey-colored and silvery, long and straight. She leaned against a white corner, counting invisible stars and laughing childishly. Jack gritted his teeth, biting down on that evasive cavity that was not quite healthy, but still not bad enough to send him driving to Dr. Ciffon’s office. He tapped his index finger against the clipboard, undecided.

“Okay. I’m going to go in and see if I can talk to her. She’s had her meds today, yes?” He addressed the orderly who stood droop-eyed at the door. The young man nodded. Jack sighed.  “I’ll be out in a minute. He pressed his finger into the keypad and stepped in. Dalia seemed not to notice him at first. “Good morning, Dalia.” He said, his voice grim, but steady.

Her eyes swung around and flamed with delighted excitement.

“You’re back! Do you remember me now? Have you remembered?” She was on her feet in an instant, tucking a strand of blonde hair captive behind her ear, and smiling in that same shy, timid way. Jack said nothing and studied his clipboard.

“Did you take your medication today?”

“Yes,” Dalia replied palely. “Jack?”

“I’d appreciate it if you would call me Dr. Littlefield right now.” He tried to smile and failed, succeeding only in a weak grimace. Dalia’s brow furrowed in worried caution. She blinked and looked down at the floor with the air of a punished puppy.

“State your name.” He demanded. She looked hurt by his short manner, and her voice was soft.

“Madelene. But you call me Maddie, remember?”

“Your full name please.” His voice came out even colder than he had intended.

“Madelene Amelia Littlefield.”

Feeling panicked, he responded croakingly, “That’s impossible.”

“Why?”

“Because your name is Dalia May Hawthorne and Maddie died six years ago.”

“Well you do have a problem then, don’t you?” She said smilingly, with that painfully familiar way that sent rivers of fear through his head.

“Keep taking your medication.” He buzzed at the door and the orderly ushered him out. Dalia looked out after him, still smiling.

10.4.2013: 237

Those days when thoughts sweep you off your feet, they’re the best and the worst. Sometimes I can hardly live for living, and work is lost behind a curtain of pretense: just let me be.

Existence is beautiful, but sometimes I think it would be easier without reality’s dull constraints nipping at the back of my mind. Do this, do that, don’t forget, check it off the list, procrastinate, avoid and be resigned. If there was ever something that I wanted to do, I’d love to have a thousand days just to dwell in the glory of a job enjoyed, without worrying about every other little task that nags me.

Sometimes those most wonderful of days do come though, when life lets you off and allows you to take up the wings of your destiny and soar. In the fall of the year, when cold settles in and takes hold of the trees, I can feel it strongly, calling me, calling me. Always the voice, it rides on the wind, echoing longingly, tempting me to run away from obligation. Breath freezes in the stillness of a foggy morning, and the sunlight breaks loose in late afternoon. It is a wild season, and made for living. The lazy days of summer are gone, and the steady days of winter have not come. There is nothing but dreams that fill that ever-changing autumn air, whispering wishes in my ears. 

Statistics

Total word count so far: 13,768

Days writing in a row: 33

Novels read: 2

Contests entered: 3

Aaaand another poem: 74 words

Darling don’t you let this crazy world sweep you off your feet

There’s more to love than happiness

And more to you than me

You’re a gift, a branch, an offering of sorts

You’re the reason that the world has reason left to hope

So don’t lose sight of the one thing you have

The way, the truth you’re here to speak

Listen well and fly free

You are the daughters of the King

134 Words: A Poem

What else is there?

A world without waiting, watching, withering?

I wish

That world does not exist

It can’t

Not until this one falls away

And  everything we know…is lost

I will find a way to believe against the weight of all that fights against

Somehow there’s a hidden path

A piece of heaven still untouched            

I’ll search with every last leap of my soul

I’ll delve with every breath

I’ll find the place where music is born

And laughter makes its home

I’ll look to the sky

Where a canopy of starry glory shines

And breathe in the cashmere felicity of night

Somewhere

Waiting

Watching

Hoping

Praying

There’s a tiny pinch of love left in this land of madness

Waiting for an explorer from among the world of Men

If only…

If only.

Poem

In dreamlight woven

I feel the sweet surrender as a chocolate song sweeps in

It’s rivers of notes and pools of allurement

Delve in, dive deep

There’s nothing to lose

And endless opportunities

Eternal ways to win 

10.1.2013: 542

“What are you saying?” Todd Bervell twisted his mouth into an overly serious line. His eyes danced with mockery. “You think Dalia’s some sort of reincarnation of Madelene, come back to haunt you?”

Jack scowled, wishing he had kept his private thoughts to himself. People were always begging to be confidantes, but once they knew your secrets, they mocked you for them.

“I didn’t say that.” He muttered, irritated.

“Well, what then?” Todd’s patronizing countenance annoyed Jack. His best friend was normally the idealist, he the skeptic. The odd reversal of their roles was unsettling to both.

“I don’t know. It was too strange, that’s all. She called herself Maddie, and she knew it was my birthday, among other facts. I don’t know what to think.”

“You said she made that cake for you? I hope you didn’t eat any of it!” Todd laughed, ignoring Jack’s earlier remarks.

“I did, before I knew she made it.” His friend’s face dropped, his mouth falling open.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No, but don’t worry. I checked it out in the lab and there was nothing in it besides what the recipe called for.”

“Well that’s a relief. She could’ve poisoned you.”

“I know that.” Jack replied. He couldn’t help adding, “But she didn’t.”

Exasperated, Todd exclaimed, “Just because she didn’t cause you a slow and painful death when she had the chance doesn’t mean she’s your wife come back from the dead, Jack.”

Jack rubbed the back of his neck, the creepy sensation he’d felt when Dalia spoke to him still running down his spine, hours later. She was back in solitary, locked up tightly and guarded by an orderly. Didn’t he know everything that Todd was saying? He wasn’t stupid, but the eerie familiarity of it all was getting harder to explain away. “Have you spoken to the girl’s parents about this? Maybe they forgot to mention a third personality hidden down in her psyche somewhere. After all, it would be hard to surpass Lorraine. She’s certainly the most memorable of the three.” Todd rolled his eyes and sipped his coffee. The other doctors in the lounge were busy discussing cases and reading. Jack wondered if they ever did anything else. Most of them were older than Todd and himself, and none of them seemed to mind twiddling their days away in this place, poring over dusty psychological tomes and having lengthy descriptions of cases with one another. He hated living at the facility, and was thankful that it was temporary. If he was lucky, in a few months he would be transferred back to the University, where he would be able to teach for a few years before moving his practice to a city of his choosing.

“Jack,” Todd was starring into his coffee cup with a thoughtful expression glued on his face. “I don’t want to sound insensitive, but you’ve been working a lot lately. You know, earning a teaching degree and practicing all at once. It’s got to be tough. Maybe, you’ve just let all the work catch up to you. There’s no shame in needing a vacation every once in a while.”

Jack gritted his teeth.

“I did not just imagine this.” His voice rumbled lowly. “I couldn’t have.”