Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Ghost of Northamber Avenue

   The apartment was small, grubby, and smelled slightly like last week’s leftover pizza, but it had a view, and wasn’t too pricy. And as it turned out, it came with an adventure.

   It was summer. I was twenty-two. The world was a big, scary, expensive place. Graduation toasts had faded completely from memory, and I couldn’t even remember the days when my bills had all been forwarded to my father without the slightest qualm of conscience. In what seemed like a few short weeks, I had gone from a freewheeling college kid, livin’ the dream, to a very poor, very ambitious, very desperate adult, clambering clumsily around the real world with a completely pointless teaching degree, and no survival manual.

   However, I connected the dots soon enough and figured that the most important thing to do was to find myself a job. Once some family connections had been exploited and a place at the high school secured, the next thing to do was to find a roof, preferably one that came with air-conditioning. Enter 3B at 55 Northamber Avenue. The best AC it could offer took the shape of three gigantic fans, but it was well suited for a young history teacher looking to have an enjoyable summer. The former tenant was looking for a sublet, and as I wasn’t too picky about holes in the wall or carpeting left over from the seventies, he thought I would do.
   “Hope you won’t mind the stairs. Third floor and all. You look like they won’t be too much trouble for you.”
   “I’m sure I’ll be fine,” I had naively remarked as I made the first of many hikes up the creaking flight that was to be my enemy over the next few months.
   Barry Hamlet, (who was in no way reminiscent of his Shakespearian namesake) a balding, stout man of about forty-five, smiled. He had a deep smile, which made me wonder what his dreams had been before the world had done to him what it had to make him into what he was. Perhaps the smile was one of sly humor at my staircase-innocence. I can never know for sure.

“Well, here we are.” He puffed, arriving at the top. I was proud of myself for not being winded. “Welcome aboard.” Barry opened the door to reveal 3B in all its glory.
  “It looks nice.” I said, generously. Nice was stretching it. Bearable maybe, but not nice.
It had grandmotherish wallpaper of a faded plumb color, comfortable looking saggy furniture and a smallish TV, equipped only with an old VCR. The windows were foggy with dust, but there were a few hundred books encased in a funny, old set of cherry-wood shelves.
   “The bedroom’s back there. And the couch is a pullout, in case you have company. The kitchen comes with a microwave and a refrigerator.” He said this as if it was a big bonus.
   “Wow.” I said, feeling that it was really the only thing to say.                                                        
   “So what do you think?” Barry picked at his index finger. Apparently he was nervous that I would be as critical as the countless others who had turned up their noses at this domestic bounty.
   “It looks fine to me. When will you be back?” I shrugged good-naturedly.
   “Oh, not until October, at least. You can stay until then, if you want. But you probably start school before then. I heard you were a teaching student.”
   “Not anymore. I graduated a few weeks ago.”
   “Got a job lined up?”
    I could see dollar signs lingering anxiously behind his eyes.
   “Sure do.” I said confidently. The thought of my job gave me both a tremendous sense of security, and an uncontrollable stomach spasm at the same time. It was like having a man-eating shark for an anchor: big enough to keep the ship from drifting away to stormy seas, but then, it might end up eating you.
   “Good,” Barry exclaimed, looking relieved. “So will you take the apartment?”
   “I will,” I said, and we shook on it. From what I could see the little place looked alright. And there was no hope of finding anything better in my price range, of that I was sure.
   “Good,” He said again, glowing. “You can move in straightaway as soon as we get the sublease signed. Oh, there’s the question of the mail to be answered though.”
   “Mail?”
   “Yes.” He said nonchalantly. “Your box is number fourteen, but you won’t mind picking up the mail for number fifteen and dropping it outside the door will you? It’s right across the hall.”
   “Sure, I don’t see why not.” I said, readily agreeable.
   “Thanks. I’ve been doing it for years and I think they’ve gotten used to it.”
   “They don’t like getting their mail?”
   “I don’t know. I’ve never seen them.”
   “Who lives there?
   “Don’t know that either. The name on the mail is always A. Miles. Whoever he is, he’s shy.”
   
   Maybe you’re not familiar with the breed of people who become teachers. Generally they are idealistic, ambitious and have good imaginations. They envision themselves changing the world, nay, the future even, through their students. They are affecting the grand scheme, and it thrills them to their core, at least at first.

   But a good imagination is a dangerous treasure.
   
   And if you will but use your own imagination, you can understand that by this point the apartment was starting to look worse and worse. The rent was basically the only good thing about it. I was a flexible human being. I mean, I’d survived four years of college, mostly spent in a clammy dorm room. I could have easily contended with holes in the wall, no air-conditioning and the leftover smells of Barry Hamlet’s raucous, book-worm life-style.

   But ghostly neighbors were a different thing entirely. I had heard this story before, and it didn’t end well for me, in any version, ever. If this had been a movie, I, as the unsuspecting victim, would have discarded the creepy feeling in my stomach as nothing but foolish jitters and gone on with life, only to be haunted to death later. But this wasn’t a movie, and I didn’t have the satisfaction of even one peaceful night in 3B. From that very moment, I began counting down the days to October.  

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Ugh.

Oh dear. It's script frenzy isn't it? Ooops. Well for now, poetry.

If I should see
Another day
Where stars shine bright
And doth delay
The coming of
The final vow
I'd fight a thousand years
For thee

Don't tempt me to
Wander far
Don't let me out
Don't let me out upon the hill
For if I but catch wind of such
I'd silence all but dearest trill
Goodnight my dear
I'm lost to all

I'm lost again
And now I'm found
I'm suffering
And blest profound
Weary weak and worn and torn
And pierced by all but sharpest word
Then comes the waking, brighter sun
And all what slept
Is now begun
So hear my voice
And hear this plea
Dearest please don't
Forget me

Sorry I totally had The Parting Glass stuck in my head when I wrote this so the rhythm seems off unless you sing it like that.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

April Fools

Well.

Yesterday I dropped a watch in the toilet, forgot about it and later it got flushed. Also, I forgot to write.

I've written every day since September 10th. Every single day. Even the first seven days in November when I was delirious with fever and was clinging to life by a thread (that's stretching things a bit, but it felt that way at the time.) This week has been rotten. And this makes me incredibly sad. A few months ago I woke up late at night, remembered that I hadn't written that day and rushed to record a simple poem. It wasn't much but it was still something. I didn't even do that yesterday. I was too busy watching the stupid I mean Hunger Games. Boy, this has been a lousy, irritating, frustrating week.

Okay, enough of that. Time to be positive again. The sun is out. That's something to praise the Lord for. Other than that I really can't think of much. I guess I should be thankful that even though I forgot yesterday, I can still sit here and write this today. And I can write tomorrow and the day after that, and all the days for the rest of my life if I want. I should be thankful that I learned to write at all. I should be thankful that I live in a place where I have teachers and principals and professors and other students all around me.

I am thankful. I'm done writing now, for today. But I'll be back tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

System Reboot

I can't help feeling torn apart. Lost and lonely, yet desperately tired of people. People everywhere. They bring their problems and their feelings and they make me afraid. I don't know why. They just do. I guess sometimes it just seems difficult to juggle friendships and school and work and family and me. Me is such a hazard in life. Some days I wish I didn't have feelings and fears and trials of my own, so that I could just make everyone else happy, without faltering or failing. At the end of the day I feel empty. Like I've been used up and can't hold any more from other people. I don't like feeling unkind or unable. I wish I could be perfect all the time. And I can't help wishing that I could just figure things out on my own, without waiting to hear what God wants me to do.

Next year I'll be far away from this place, and although I'm excited for a new adventure, I'm scared of making all the same mistakes that I've made here. But more and more I'm realizing that I'm not afraid to leave, not like I thought I would be. There are so many people here that I love, and I'll miss them. But there are too many things here that I won't miss. I'm ready to start my life. And be me. And remember that it's okay for me to feel things too. I'm allowed to fail. I'm allowed to be moody and frustrated. And I'm allowed to be who I am, as long as that girl is who God's making me.

So goodnight world. Goodnight and sweet dreams. The clouds may never clear again, here in this Northwestern mad land, but planes soar high above the clouds, and for that I am thankful.