I can't help feeling torn apart. Lost and lonely, yet desperately tired of people. People everywhere. They bring their problems and their feelings and they make me afraid. I don't know why. They just do. I guess sometimes it just seems difficult to juggle friendships and school and work and family and me. Me is such a hazard in life. Some days I wish I didn't have feelings and fears and trials of my own, so that I could just make everyone else happy, without faltering or failing. At the end of the day I feel empty. Like I've been used up and can't hold any more from other people. I don't like feeling unkind or unable. I wish I could be perfect all the time. And I can't help wishing that I could just figure things out on my own, without waiting to hear what God wants me to do.
Next year I'll be far away from this place, and although I'm excited for a new adventure, I'm scared of making all the same mistakes that I've made here. But more and more I'm realizing that I'm not afraid to leave, not like I thought I would be. There are so many people here that I love, and I'll miss them. But there are too many things here that I won't miss. I'm ready to start my life. And be me. And remember that it's okay for me to feel things too. I'm allowed to fail. I'm allowed to be moody and frustrated. And I'm allowed to be who I am, as long as that girl is who God's making me.
So goodnight world. Goodnight and sweet dreams. The clouds may never clear again, here in this Northwestern mad land, but planes soar high above the clouds, and for that I am thankful.
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